My New Normal (sucks) & My Thoughts on Frames.

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I thought the above GIF was fitting. It expresses exactly how I feel and have been feeling for the last couple of weeks now. It is one of my all time favorite cartoons and reminds me of a simpler time in my life. It made me smile as I posted it, so I guess it did the trick, for now. As I sit here on my bed with a achy neck, back and numb bottom, I think you can guess why? I’m feeling a mixture of emotions. Being immobilized for the last two weeks or so has been rough. I mean yes I can get up, walk, talk, and drive. Ironically I feel the need to drive even more now, where as before all this mess I was bitchin’ about Jersey traffic and my commute. Now I count the minutes I can jump into my car, roll down my windows and blast some much needed slow jams, like Lauryn Hill and Mary J. Blige, who have and will continue to get me through the hardest times of my life. Oh yeah and you can’t go wrong with old school Britney, I recommend it. But still it’s just not the same and I’m not sure it ever will be again? I’m achy from head to toe thanks to being stuck doing work, school and everything else from home. Mostly from my bed which has always been my headquarters even before this mess. I face plant into my bed during all the good times, the bad times and the curled up in the fetal position I can’t do this anymore times. It’s my work station and sanctuary, but honestly I’m getting sick of it now. My mattress has pretty much molded to my body and has made perfect indentations exactly where I lay and sit. Maybe they were there before but I hardly noticed. I guess I can move about and try to work from another location in the house, but to say I’m not motivated to do so is an understatement. So for now the bed it is. I’ve tried my best to avoid the television news and all the minute by minute updates on the internet and social media, but that’s hard to do. During normal times I try my best to avoid the disturbing news because it tends to spike my anxiety. But now I find it hard to look away or I get the play by play by my overly concerned, super anxious Mother who makes sure to fill me in like she’s channeling her inner Katie Couric. Both of my parents are over the age of 65 but healthy (thank God) yet their still worried and their fears are most definitely warranted. Not to mention the crisis in Italy which amplifies it even more. As you all know I’m Italian American and I have aunts and uncles and first cousins who call Italy home. Thank God that my immediate family is safe, but they all know someone in their community that has been impacted. For an already unstable and shaky economy this was the last thing the country needed. It breaks my heart to hear and see what’s happening over there, I just pray each day that things get better. I know for my parents seeing this coverage on the Italian news channels they watch religiously and speaking directly with my family in Italy makes them even more anxious about their own health and the consequences of this terrible virus. Which in turn breaks my heart all over again.

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I hate to admit it but in these two weeks or so I have lost my patience and my temper. I haven’t been the best version of myself and I feel ashamed about that, but it feels good to write it out and let it go. I guess the one silver lining in these cloudy times, well there is more than one, is that number one: this quarantine has afforded me the time to do what I love most which is…write and read. I get to read and write for fun, for therapy, for my life. Not for a grade, which feels really nice for a change. The second silver lining is: the fact that I’m healthy and safe and so are my close family and friends. I know many people are not as lucky to say that right now and I pray for them, their families, and their communities everyday. I know for me it could be so much worse, and although I’m pissing and moaning about my achy back and neck and being immobilized, nothing compares to the horrors and loss in Italy and in all the other places effected by the rapid spread of this virus. So believe me I’m thankful and counting my lucky stars each day that I have a place to stay, food to eat, a job and school to go back to one day and most of all I have my health, my life. God is good and I’m reminded of that daily. I thank Dr. Zamora for her kindness in allowing us to vent and write this blog post about how we are feeling. She truly is an amazing woman. One of the best people I have ever met, hands down. Writing this blog has helped relieve some of my anxiety and fears. It’s also has given me a chance to be self reflective and re evaluate what I need to do going forward, which is to chillax, practice more patience and complain less often. Maya Angelou is one of my heroes and she once said, “You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.” I guess we can add on to that list for now and include how we handle these uncertain and scary times. This will test us, as individuals and as a nation. I just hope I pass the test and come out a better and stronger person in the end.

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So my thoughts real quick on Frames. It’s been a really long time since I watched a movie, even as short as this one, without any dialogue. But I enjoyed it. It reminded me of one of my past summer assignments from Dr. Gover who made us watch and reflect on Charlie Chaplin silent movies. I loved it and instantly became obsessed with Chaplin. Ok so back to Frames. It was eerie, and kind of creepy and the ending made me sad. The ending made it seem like she was invisible and in many ways that’s how surveillance capitalism and the booming internet makes us feel. Seeing how everything we touch is being logged and analyzed and our daily activities being monitored and under surveillance gave me a chill and made me wonder what the near future will look like for us? Maybe that will become our new normal? I don’t know how I feel about that? I can’t really process it all just yet. I first need to adjust and wrap my brain around this new normal that we’re facing today. I will continue to pray that the internet and all it’s forces continue to shift more towards the good of all people and not the evil. So far in my quarantined seclusion I’ve had a new found respect and admiration for the world wide web and all that it affords us in this unprecedented time. I’m forever grateful that it gives me the opportunity to work and do school from home and feel like I’m still a contributing member of society and not a total degenerate. Video chatting with my closest friends has saved my sanity. To just stay connected in such an uncertain and scary time really makes me feel blessed and thankful. I can’t touch you but I can certainly feel you. Ok so one last thing super important thing: I miss you guys terribly and I pray for you all each day. Please stay home, be cautious and stay safe. I can’t wait to see you all again. We got this! Ciao ciao, be well. Xo

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One reply on “My New Normal (sucks) & My Thoughts on Frames.”

Thanks for so much honest, open, bed-warped, GIF-laden sharing about your present (hopely short lived) new normal. It’s reassuring to hear how you are maintaining. I too am looking forward to hearing people’s reactions about Frames. The end is so overwhelming but I think there are some subtleties leading up to that as jump off points for some questioning. In some ways, those dialogue-less scenes seem like a form of quarantine.

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